I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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