At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
