sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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