She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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