I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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