i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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