This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
