why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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