please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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