Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
