Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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