Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
