i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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