Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.