Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
