I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
