mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
