you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
