You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
