Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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