i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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