I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
