You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
