If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
