My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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