R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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