I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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