the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
