This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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