She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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