just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
