you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
