I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
