I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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