if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
