you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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