Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
