My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
