I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
