she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
