don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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