Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
