It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
