ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
