Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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