Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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