if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
