On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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