I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
