I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
