Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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