i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
