He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
