guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
