I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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