she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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