So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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